How to call someone stupid, like a sir

Poor Odysseus, lost at sea for about 20 years, finally comes to the court of the Phaecian king Alcinous, begging for a ship to take him home. Before sending him on his way, Alcinous organizes a feast and some competitions in his honour. All fun and games but all the poor guy can think of is how to get home faster, and then there's this bard, Demodocus, who sings a song about Odysseus himself and his great feats in the Trojan War which makes him weep like a baby.

Then one of the champions of the realms gets this crazy idea in his head to challenge the hero to take part in their games but he's to sulky to think about racing. The thug then claims that Odysseus must be somekind of fraud and not really a great man at all. At this, hero that he is, Odysseus reacts and calls the guy an oaf.

And here comes the good part. It's Homer, for crying out loud, so he's very elegant with his insults.
In the following lines, how to call someone stupid like a sir.

You, you’re a reckless fool—I see that. So,

the gods don’t hand out all their gifts at once,

not build and brains and flowing speech to all.

One man may fail to impress us with his looks

but a god can crown his words with beauty, charm,

and men look on with delight when he speaks out.

Never faltering, filled with winning self-control,

he shines forth at assembly grounds and people gaze

at him like a god when he walks through the streets.

Another man may look like a deathless one on high

but there’s not a bit of grace to crown his words.

Just like you, my fine, handsome friend. Not even

a god could improve those lovely looks of yours

but the mind inside is worthless.

Tonight...

... we stay up late and finish a book.

A gun in her knickers

So, what kind of stories can be found in Roald Dahl's Revolting Rhymes? Revolting they may be, though utterly realistic and maybe much more interesting for nowadays children.

• First of all we have a moody arrogant Cinderella who dresses all nice, nylon pantyhose and all, goes to the disco to meet the prince, leaves the party in a hurry and in her underwear (!), one of the Ugly Sisters replaces the famous shoe with one of her own smelly boots. When this fits her, the prince goes all commando and slaughters the two Ugly Sisters, while Cinderella, repentive, agrees she cannot marry a maniac and chooses a nice kind modest marmelade maker. So the morale: Rather than marry up and have your head chopped off, rather date the jam guy and be happy.

Warning! The maniac Prince calls Cindy a slut at one point! Don't read this to your kids unless you want to spend ages trying to explain what that means!

•  Then we have a very entreprenorial mother of Jack, who gets eatten by the giant up the bean stalk because she hadn't washed properly, so there is some moral conclusion in this story as well:

"A bath" he said "it seems to pay
"I'm going to have one every day"

• Snow White is a little more decent then I would've imagined, when I tried to guess what Roald Dahl can make of a story where a lovely young maiden shares house with seven old guys. Turns out, they're only addict gamblers

Snow White's father, on the other hand, seems like a very cheeky king:

"Oh, what a nuissance! What a life!
'' Now I must find another wife!
(It's never easy for a king
To find himself that sort of thing)
He wrote to every magazine
And said: "I'm looking for a Queen"
Art least 10 000 girls replied
And asked to be the royal bride.
The king said with a shifty smile,
'I'd like to give each one a trial'

•  In the other stories, Goldy Locks get told off for the nasty little thing she is, breaking in like that and eating the poor bears' porridge, and Papa Bear has a lovely line to say to his son, here:

'Go upstairs, the Big Bear said,

Your porridge is upon the bed.

But as it's inside mademoiselle,

You'll have to eat her up as well.'

•  And finally, Little Red Riding Hood, not the most optimistic of stories as it starts with the grandma being eaten by the wolf, and no saving of the poor woman later on. Little Red, however, is one dangerous little girl, who hides a gun in her knickers and shoots the wolf dead then wears his skin instead of her silly childish riding hood. Later on, she reappears in the Three Little Pigs' story to take care of another big bad wolf, who's been watching some cartoons, apparently, since he is planning to blow up the brick house with dynamite. She shoots this wolf as well, but ruthless as she is, she turns the poor surviving piglet into a pigskin travelcase.

So there it is, Revolting Rhymes by Roald Dahl. Refreshing chilling humour on a scorching summer's day. It was worth it.