May 7, 2012

I wish...

... I could write report cards like these:
Illustration by Quentin Blake
Illustration by Quentin Blake

A scorcher:
Your son, Maximilian, is a total wash-out. I hope you have a family business you can push him into when he leaves school because he sure as heck won't get a job anywhere else.
A lyrical approach:
It is a curious truth that grasshoppers have their hearing organs in the sides of the abdomen,. Your daughter Vanessa, judging by what she's learnt this term, has no hearing organs at all.
Natural history-inspired:
The periodical cicada spends six years as a grub underground, and no more than six days as a free creature of sunlight and air. Your son Wilfred has spent six years as a grub in this school and we are still waiting for him to emerge from the chrysalis.
About a poisonous little girl:
Fiona has the same glacial beauty as an iceberg, but unlike the iceberg she has absolutely nothing below the surface.

Source: Roald Dahl - Matilda (chapter 1)
Disclaimer:My students are actually nice little boys and girls who don't deserve these comments. (Well, most of them are.)

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