May 10, 2012

Willie Wonka's Wonka-Vite

One more post about the Glass Elevator, then I'm off to the Witches, also by Roald Dahl.
Below, ingredients for Willie Wonka's Wonka Vite, if you want to make it for yourself. This extraordinary little pill takes 20 years off your life, just like that! I just need to find a really big cauldron and then I'm off to the local market to find an elephant suitcase!

Take a block of the finest chocolate weighing one ton (or twenty sackfuls of broken chocolate, whichever is easier). Place chocolate in very large cauldron and melt over red-hot furnace. When melted, lower the heat slightly so as not to burn the chocolate, but keep it boiling. Now add the following, in precisely the order given, stirring well all the time and allowing each item to dissolve before adding the next:
  • The hoof of a manticore
  • The trunk (and the suitcase) of an elephant
  • The yolks of three eggs from a whiffle-bird
  • A wart from a wart-hog
  • The horn of a cow (it must be a loud horn)
  • The front tail of a cockatrice
  • Six ounces of sprunge from a young slimescraper
  • Two hairs (and one rabbit) from the head of a hippocampus
  • The beak of a red-breasted wilbatross
  • A corn from the toe of a unicorn
  • The four tentacles of a quadropuss
  • The hip (and the po and the pot ) of a hippopotamus
  • The snout of a proghopper 
  • A mole from a mole
  • The hide (and the seek) of a spotted whangdoodle
  • The whites of twelve eggs from a tree-squeak
  • The three feet of a snozzwanger (if you can't get three feet, one yard will do)
  • The square-root of a South American abacus
  • The fangs of a viper (it must be a vindscreen viper)
  • The chest (and the drawers) of a wild grout
When all of the above are thoroughly dissolved, boil for a further twenty-seven days but do not stir. At the end of this time, all liquid will have evaporated and there will be left in the bottom of the cauldron only a hard brown lump the size of a football. Break this open with a hammer and in the very center of it you will find a very small round pill. This pill is Wonka-Vite.

There is also Vita-Wonk, which, as the name suggests, is the exact opposite of Wonka-Vite, making you older, if you need to make any adjustments!

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